Humor, latter, smil ... veien til helse, glede, bedre konsentrasjon, gode beslutninger, suksess ...
Her finner du vitser i alle varianter. Le kan man gjøre med og uten vitser, men av og til er det godt å få litt drahjelp. Ha en latterfull dag!
Jeg har valgt å la de engelske vitsene forbli på engelsk. Noen av vitsene er fra Osho Times og andre er vitser som jeg har fått på mail etc.
A little of everything ...
«I see you are no gentleman,» hisses the woman at the Italian on the street corner who laughs as the wind sweeps her skirt over her head.
“No,” he replies, “and I see-a you are not-a-one-a either.”
En dag kom en eldre dame inn i Den Norske Bank, med håndvesken full av
Little Ernie is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class. They are touring around when Ernie sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass."
Judy Jam goes to her psychiatrist and says:
A patient in the hospital accidentally has a bowel movement in his bed. Not wanting the nurses to find out, he bundles up the sheet and throws it out of the window.
One tranquil afternoon in the deep forest, Doobeedoo, the very handsome frog, is preparing to go for a little hop around the pond. He is feeling pretty good about things today, and a little `out there,' so he puts on his flashy new white Yves Saint-Laurent swimsuit.
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On
There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads.
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.
The impossible wish
Spoon In The Shirt Pocket
Stranded - An ejoke
A rich farmer had been trying desperately to marry off his daughters. One day he met Mulla Nasrudin. "I have several daughters," the farmer told the Mulla. "I would like to see them comfortably fixed. And I will say this, they won't go to their husbands without a little bit in the bank, either. The youngest one is twenty-three and she will take Rupees 25,000 with her. The next one is thirty-two, and she will take Rupees 50,000 with her. Another is forty-three and she will take Rupees 75,000 with her." "That's interesting," said Nasrudin. "I was just wondering if you have one about fifty years old."
Mulla Nasrudin's family was upset because the girl he was planning to marry was an atheist. "We'll not have you marrying an atheist," his mother said. "What can I do? I love her," the young Nasrudin said. "Well," said his mother, "if she loves you, she will do anything you ask. You should talk religion to her. If you are persistent, you can win her over." Several weeks went by, then one morning at breakfast the young Mulla seemed absolutely brokenhearted. "What's the matter?" his mother asked. "I thought you were making such good progress in your talks about religion to your young girlfriend." "THAT'S THE TROUBLE," said Nasrudin. I OVER DID IT. LAST NIGHT SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS SO CONVINCED THAT SHE IS GOING TO STUDY TO BE A NUN."
The young lady's hopes had been high for two years while Mulla Nasrudin remained silent on the question of marriage. Then one evening he said to her, "I had a most unusual dream last night. I dreamed that I asked to marry you. I wonder what that means." "THAT MEANS," said his girlfriend, "THAT YOU HAVE MORE SENSE ASLEEP THAN YOU HAVE AWAKE."
Mulla Nasrudin had been calling on his girlfriend for over a year. One evening the girl's father stopped him as he was leaving and asked, "Look here, young man, you have been seeing my daughter for a year now, and I would like to know whether your intentions are honorable or dishonorable?" Nasrudin's face lit up. "DO YOU MEAN TO SAY, SIR," he said, "THAT I HAVE A CHOICE?"
Mulla Nasrudin's mother, worrying about her son's safety, said to him: "Didn't I say you should not let that girl come over to your room last night? You know how things like that worry me." "But I didn't invite her to my room," said Nasrudin. "I went over to her room. NOW YOU CAN LET HER MOTHER DO THE WORRYING."
"Well, young man, I understand you want to become my son-in-law," said the father to his daughter's boyfriend, Mulla Nasrudin. "NO, SIR, NOT EXACTLY," replied Nasrudin. "BUT IF I MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN GET OUT OF IT."
Mulla Nasrudin was talking to a friend about his recently broken romance. "Do you mean," asked the friend, "that at her request, you gave up drinking, and smoking, and gambling, and dancing, and playing pool?" "Yes, just because she insisted," said the Mulla. "Then why didn't you marry her?" the fellow asked. "WELL, AFTER ALL THAT REFORMING," said Nasrudin, "I DECIDED I COULD DO BETTER."
A girlfriend at a cocktail party said to Mulla Nasrudin, "I keep hearing you use the word 'idiot;' I hope you are not referring to me." "DON'T BE SO CONCEITED," said the Mulla. "AS IF THERE WERE NO OTHER IDIOTS IN THE WORLD!"
Mulla Nasrudin sat fishing in a bucket of water. A visitor, wishing to be friendly, asked, "How many have you caught?" "YOU ARE THE NINTH," said Nasrudin.
The young lady became angry with her boyfriend, Mulla Nasrudin, and said, "You are a perfect dope!" "DON'T TRY FLATTERY," said Nasrudin. "NONE OF US IS PERFECT!"
One night, Mulla Nasrudin's father noticed a light in his barn. He went to see what it was all about and he found Nasrudin with a lantern, all dressed up. "What are you doing all dressed up and with that lantern?" asked his father. "I am going to call on my girlfriend, Dad," said Nasrudin. "I have got to go through the woods and it is dark." "When I was your age calling on my wife for the first time," said the father, "I went through the woods without a lantern." "I KNOW," said Nasrudin, "BUT LOOK WHAT YOU GOT, DAD!"
"Darling," said the young woman,"I could die for your sake." "YOU ARE ALWAYS PROMISING THAT," said Mulla Nasrudin, "BUT YOU NEVER DO IT."
Mulla Nasrudin, who was really unaccustomed to public speaking, arose in confusion after dinner and muttered hesitatingly: "M-m-my f-f-friends, when I came here tonight only God and myself knew what I was about to say to you AND NOW ONLY GOD KNOWS!"
After the bride's first dinner, she asked her husband, Mulla Nasrudin, "Now, dear, what will I get if I cook a dinner like that for you everyday?" "MY LIFE INSURANCE," said Nasrudin.
Mulla Nasrudin's young wife, recently returned from her honeymoon, was complaining to her friend about her husband's drinking habits. "If you knew he drank, why did you marry him?" her friend asked. "I DID NOT KNOW HE DRANK," said Nasrudin's wife, "UNTIL ONE NIGHT HE CAME HOME SOBER."
Mulla Nasrudin, who had just passed his test for his first-aid certificate, was on his way home. Suddenly, he saw a man lying face down in the street. Without a second thought, he threw himself upon the man and began applying artificial respiration. After a while, the man raised his head and said, "SIR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO, BUT I AM TRYING TO FISH A WIRE DOWN THIS MANHOLE."
Mulla Nasrudin was drunk and at a football game was making such a nuisance of himself that the people around him threatened to call the police if he didn't sit down and shut up. At that he shouted, "show me a policeman, and I will show you a dope." The words were no sooner spoken when a big six-foot policeman arrived on the scene and said: "I am a policeman." "WONDERFUL!" said Nasrudin. "I AM A DOPE!"
The lady contributed to Mulla Nasrudin on crutches, but could not resist the temptation to preach to him. "It must be terrible to be lame," she said, "but think how much worse it is to be blind." "That's right, Lady," said the Mulla. "WHEN I WAS BLIND, PEOPLE KEPT PASSING COUNTERFEIT MONEY OFF ON ME."
The young father was pushing the crying baby down the street with what appeared to be absolute calm and self-assurance. People on the street could hear what he was saying as he passed. "Take it easy, Nasrudin," he said. "Don't let it get you down, Nasrudin, you will soon be safe back home. Things will be all right, Nasrudin, if you just keep calm." One motherly type woman waiting for a bus, heard and saw the young father and said to him, "I think you are wonderful the way you are taking care of the baby." Then she leaned over to the baby and said, "Now, don't cry, Nasrudin, everything is going to be all right." "LADY," said the father, "YOU HAVE GOT IT ALL WRONG. HIS NAME IS TOMMY -- I AM NASRUDIN."
"I don't guess I have anything to complain about," said the mussed up young man, Mulla Nasrudin, as he listened to another mussed up young man describe his ejection from a dance hall. "They treated me all right." "What do you mean, treated you all right," said the other young man. "They threw you out, didn't they?" "Yes," said Nasrudin, "They threw me out the back door, but when I told the bouncer that my family was in the social register, he picked me up gently, brushed me off, and escorted me back into the dance hall. THEN HE THREW ME OUT THE FRONT DOOR."
"You don't love me any more," said Mulla Nasrudin's wife through her tears. "When you see me crying, you never ask why." "I am sorry, Darling," said Nasrudin, "BUT THAT SORT OF QUESTION HAS ALREADY COST ME AN AWFUL LOT OF MONEY."
The hay wagon had upset in the road and the young driver, Mulla Nasrudin, was terribly worried about it. A kindhearted farmer told the young fellow to forget his troubles and come in and have some supper with his family. "Then we will straighten up the wagon," the farmer said. The Mulla said he didn't think his father would like it. "Oh, don't worry about that," said the farmer. "Everything will be all right." So Nasrudin stayed for supper. Afterwards he said he felt better and thanked the farmer. "But," he said, "I still don't think my father will like it." "Forget it," said the farmer. "By the way," he added, "Where is your father?" "He's under the hay!" said Nasrudin.
OSHO says: "Ordinarily, most humor is because of misunderstandings-real or imagined-which have their roots in the mind. Most jokes create humor because of a sudden turning, unexpected. The whole science of the joke is that it takes you toward a certain height of expectation, step by step, and then suddenly there is such a turn that you had never expected. Your whole tension that was gathering explodes into laughter. It will be better to tell you a joke:
Danny discovered that his wife was cheating with another guy, so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.
'I know what we will do!' she said. 'Let us take revenge on them.' So they went to a motel and had revenge on them.
She said, 'Let us have more revenge.'
So they kept having revenge and more revenge. Finally Danny said, 'That's enough revenge. I don't have any more hard feelings.'"
From Osho, The New Dawn, Talk #23